On Grief & Showing Up
A few nights ago I told a friend we (gestures broadly at society) kind of suck at grief. And I get it because grief is fucking hard.
Like all emotions grief is an intrinsic part of being human. It is a healthy and multifaceted feeling that can accompany any loss. It isn’t linear nor is it exclusive to experiencing the death of a loved one.
When someone you are in relationship with is grieving how do you show up? How do you support when someone is experiencing or on the precipice of loss? The “showing up” requires courage and can feel vulnerable on both ends. It’s also part of why we’re in relationship with one another to begin with.
We need each other. And not in a cute greeting card type of way. In a deep fundamental part of our biological hardwiring as human beings type of way. And when we get so caught up in wanting to get it right that it stops us from reaching out or we stop asking how we can show up better, then that’s how we fail each other. If you get so caught up in your own experiences that you stop genuinely checking in on those you care for about how they’re doing then this highlights where you need to be in better practice of community care.
There is no amount of self care that will ever eliminate our need for community care. We will always need both. Who is someone you’ve been meaning to reach out to and genuinely check in on? Who is someone you’ve been thinking about? Can you write them something? Give them a call or send a text. Venmo them $20 and say a lunch or dinner is on you this week or mail them a little care package. Even if it’s a little awkward and imperfect it’s better than not showing up at all.
Have the courage to not get it right and be willing and curious enough to collaborate on how to do it better. It is better to show up imperfectly than to not show up at all.
Digging Deeper
Use these questions to journal + spark conversation with others.
How do you define “showing up” in your relationships? What does it look like or include in practice?
Consider a time where you were experiencing grief and/or loss. What is something you needed to hear to feel seen and supported? Take a few moments to journal on this. Talk to yourself the way you would someone you love.
What arises for you when someone you know is experiencing grief? Is there ease in showing up for them or do you run into roadblocks? Why?
What does support look like when you are experiencing grief? What does support look like in your relationship with yourself? Consider the ways you would love for those you’re in relationship with to show up for you and the ways in which you would like to show up for yourself.